Sitting with Tension: The Leader's Superpower

Most leaders I work with share a common impulse. When faced with complexity, uncertainty, or values conflicts, they want to move quickly to resolution. It makes sense. We're trained to solve problems, make decisions, and drive outcomes.

And yet, I've observed something curious in my coaching practice. Often, the most transformative moments happen not when leaders rush to resolve tension, but when they learn to sit with it.

Can I share an observation? The capacity to sit with tension is one of the most undervalued leadership capabilities. It's also one of the most challenging to develop, particularly for accomplished leaders who've built their careers on decisive action.

I remember working with a country head who was facing a values conflict between organisational efficiency and team wellbeing. The data suggested restructuring was necessary; the human cost felt unbearable. His instinct was to choose quickly. "Just tell me which way to go," he said.

What emerged in our conversation wasn't a clear answer. It was something more valuable: the ability to hold both realities simultaneously without immediately collapsing into either/or thinking.

The Interference of Rushing to Resolution

In my Leadership Equation framework (Performance = Potential minus Interference), I've noticed that the automatic rush to resolve tension often becomes interference itself. When leaders react to discomfort by forcing premature resolution, they miss crucial information that only emerges when we're willing to stay present with complexity.

The discomfort isn't the problem. The reaction to the discomfort is where the interference; or as I more commonly call it, their stuff; begins.

Consider the three components of decision-making in emotional intelligence research: Problem Solving, Reality Testing, and Impulse Control. Each of these capabilities is enhanced when we develop the capacity to sit with tension rather than rush to eliminate it.

Reality Testing becomes clearer when we resist the urge to see what we want to see. Problem Solving improves when we allow the full complexity of a situation to be visible before moving to solutions. Impulse Control develops through practice with exactly this kind of tension-holding.

My observation? Leaders who develop this capacity demonstrate significantly better decision-making effectiveness in complex situations.

The Physical Reality of Tension

Like many things for me, this isn't just a cognitive exercise. I experience tension as physical sensation. The tightness in my chest when two values compete for attention. The restlessness in my body when a situation demands both patience and urgency.

What surprises me is how many clients find it difficult to describe tension in physical terms. I realise that I am in the upper range of my ability to experience and then express in clear terms my felt sense, and it still surprises me how many find that very difficult, or impossible.

Yet this physical awareness provides crucial information. Our bodies often recognise tension before our minds do. The subtle shift in breathing when a difficult topic emerges. The tightness in shoulders when we're trying to force a decision. The sense of expansion when we find a path that honours multiple perspectives.

Learning to read these physical signals helps distinguish between productive tension that deserves attention and reactive tension that indicates we're pushing too hard for premature closure.

The Art of Emotional Discernment

Here's what I've learned: not all tensions require resolution. Some require discernment.

The difference matters. Resolution assumes there's a problem to be solved. Discernment recognises that some tensions hold wisdom we can access only by staying present with them.

In my Values Constellation Mapping work with leaders, I ask questions like: "Which values feel closest to this decision? Which are in tension? What shifts when you adjust the positioning?"

What emerges isn't always a clear hierarchy. Sometimes the most important outcome isn't resolving the conflict but learning to navigate the tension in a way that allows for better decision-making.

My role as a coach isn't to make the trade-offs easier but to help leaders build the emotional and cognitive flexibility to navigate them wisely. The constellation work creates space for that flexibility to develop.

Beyond Either/Or Thinking

The practice of sitting with tension develops what I call "both/and" leadership capability. Instead of rushing to choose between competing priorities, leaders develop the capacity to hold multiple perspectives simultaneously.

This isn't passive waiting. It's active engagement with complexity. It requires what research on stress and resilience shows us: that our ability to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty is directly related to our effectiveness under pressure.

I think of the leaders I work with who face stakeholder conflicts where every option disappoints someone important. The temptation is to choose quickly, get it over with, move on. But when they can sit with the tension long enough, creative solutions often emerge that weren't visible when they were rushing to either/or choices.

This capacity becomes particularly valuable during what I call values moments; those transitions when priorities shift and old decision-making frameworks no longer fit new circumstances. Rather than forcing premature clarity, sitting with the tension allows new frameworks to emerge organically.

When Complexity Becomes Clarity

I notice something fascinating in my coaching work. Leaders who learn to sit with tension often develop what appears to others as uncanny timing. They seem to know when to act and when to wait, when to push and when to create space.

This isn't intuitive magic. It's developed capacity to read the subtle signals that indicate when tension is ready to resolve itself versus when it needs more time to reveal its wisdom.

They ask better questions because they're not rushing to answers. They make more nuanced decisions because they've allowed complexity to remain visible. They create psychological safety for others because their teams sense that difficult topics won't be shut down prematurely.

They also demonstrate what emotional intelligence researchers identify as higher impulse control, not because they're suppressing their responses, but because they've developed the capacity to choose their timing more skilfully.

The Discomfort of Not Knowing

I remember another client, a regional director facing a significant organisational restructure. Everything in her experience said act quickly, communicate decisively, drive results. But the human factors were complex, the political landscape was shifting, and the long-term implications were unclear.

"I don't know what to do," she said. "That's never happened to me before."

What emerged wasn't a quick fix but recognition that not knowing could be a position of strength rather than weakness. Instead of making premature decisions to relieve her discomfort, she created space for more information to emerge, for stakeholder perspectives to be heard, for unintended consequences to be considered.

The final restructure plan was significantly different; and significantly more effective; than what she would have implemented if she'd acted from her initial discomfort with uncertainty.

Not knowing becomes a problem only when we react to the discomfort it creates rather than working with it as valuable information about the complexity we're navigating.

The Physical Space of Tension

Because I'm a fan of in-person coaching work, I often use physical space to help leaders experience what it means to sit with tension. If the room is big and open enough, we can expand the constellation work to use chairs and other physical objects, with the client positioning themselves in relation to different values or stakeholder perspectives.

There's something powerful about literally standing in the tension between competing priorities. Feeling the physical pull of different options. Noticing what happens in your body when you move closer to one choice or further from another.

This isn't metaphorical work; it's embodied exploration that often reveals insights unavailable through purely cognitive analysis. When you can feel the tension in your body and work with it spatially, it becomes workable rather than overwhelming.

Practical Applications

The capacity to sit with tension transforms leadership effectiveness in several specific ways:

Strategic decision-making. Complex organisational decisions often require holding multiple variables in tension long enough for patterns to emerge. Leaders who rush to resolution often miss crucial information that becomes available only with time.

Team dynamics. When team conflicts arise, the impulse is often to resolve them quickly through directive intervention. But some team tensions reveal important information about roles, responsibilities, or unaddressed systemic issues that deserve exploration before resolution.

Stakeholder management. Competing stakeholder demands create natural tension that can't always be resolved immediately. Learning to sit with these tensions whilst gathering more information often leads to creative solutions that satisfy multiple parties.

Personal leadership transitions. Career decisions, role changes, and life transitions often involve legitimate complexity that deserves time and attention. Premature decisions made to relieve discomfort with uncertainty often prove less satisfying than choices made from deeper consideration.

What Changes

When leaders develop this capacity, something fundamental shifts. They become less reactive and more responsive. They model for their teams that complexity doesn't need to be immediately simplified. They demonstrate that not knowing can be a position of strength rather than weakness.

Most importantly, they discover that some of their most profound insights emerge not from having answers, but from their willingness to stay present with the questions.

I observe this particularly during periods of significant change or transition. Leaders who can sit with the tension of uncertainty without immediately rushing to premature closure often find that solutions emerge naturally as more information becomes available and as their understanding deepens.

The Courage to Stay Present

Sitting with tension requires a particular kind of courage; not the courage to act decisively, but the courage to remain present with discomfort without immediately trying to eliminate it.

This runs counter to much of what we're taught about leadership effectiveness. We're rewarded for quick decisions, clear directions, and decisive action. The capacity to sit with complexity, to remain open when others are pushing for closure, to admit uncertainty without defensiveness; these capabilities often go unrecognised yet prove essential for navigating the kind of complex challenges that define senior leadership.

What I've learned is that the leaders who develop this capacity often become the ones others turn to during difficult periods. Their ability to remain centred in the midst of complexity creates stability for everyone around them.

Creating Space for Others

Perhaps the most important application of this capacity isn't personal; it's interpersonal. When leaders can sit with their own tension without immediately trying to resolve it, they create space for others to do the same.

Team meetings where difficult topics can be explored without premature closure. One-on-one conversations where people can process complex emotions without being rushed to solutions. Strategic planning sessions where multiple perspectives can be held simultaneously without forcing consensus.

This capacity creates what I call psychological safety not through eliminating discomfort, but through demonstrating that discomfort can be worked with skilfully rather than avoided or rushed through.

The Practice

Like leadership itself, sitting with tension is a practice rather than a technique. It develops through consistent attention rather than occasional application.

Some approaches I've found valuable:

Start small. Practice with low-stakes tensions before applying this capacity to major decisions. Notice your impulse to resolve minor discomforts immediately and experiment with staying present a bit longer.

Use physical awareness. Notice where you feel tension in your body. What information might it be offering? What happens when you breathe into the sensation rather than trying to eliminate it?

Create ritual space. Build regular time for reflection without agenda. Weekly walks without podcasts or phone calls. Monthly strategic thinking time without action items. Quarterly retreats focused on questions rather than answers.

Practice with others. Experiment with holding space in conversations without immediately trying to fix, solve, or resolve. Notice the difference between supportive presence and advice-giving.

Map it out. When facing complex decisions, create physical representations of competing priorities. Use the spatial dimension to explore what it feels like to sit in the tension between different options.

The Invitation to Embrace Complexity

I wonder what might emerge if you approached your next complex challenge with curiosity about what the tension might be trying to teach you rather than focusing immediately on how to resolve it.

What if, instead of viewing uncertainty as a problem to be solved, you experimented with treating it as information about the complexity you're navigating?

What patterns might you notice if you paid attention to your automatic impulse to rush to resolution when discomfort arises?

The practice of sitting with tension isn't about becoming passive or indecisive. It's about developing the emotional and cognitive flexibility to navigate complexity with greater wisdom. It's about recognising that some of leadership's most important insights emerge not from having quick answers, but from staying present with important questions long enough for deeper understanding to develop.

Your next breakthrough might be waiting just beyond your tolerance for not knowing. The question is whether you're willing to sit with the tension long enough to find out.

The Paradox of Strength Through Stillness

There's a paradox at the heart of this capacity: sometimes the strongest leadership action is non-action. Sometimes the most decisive choice is to refuse premature decision-making. Sometimes the greatest service we can provide is creating space for complexity to reveal its wisdom rather than forcing it into familiar patterns.

This paradox challenges conventional leadership thinking, yet it reflects the reality of how breakthrough insights actually emerge. They rarely come from forcing solutions but from creating conditions where new possibilities can surface naturally.

The leaders I most respect have learned to work with this paradox skilfully. They combine decisive action when clarity exists with patient presence when complexity requires more time to unfold. They've developed what I call "temporal intelligence"; the ability to sense when to push and when to wait, when to close and when to remain open.

This isn't indecision dressed up as wisdom. It's sophisticated leadership capability that recognises timing as a strategic variable rather than simply pushing for speed in all circumstances.

---

Ready to explore the power of sitting with tension? This undervalued leadership capability can transform how you navigate complexity and make decisions in uncertain times.